Retarted Evil 4
by Roxas16
Summary: Humor fic based on Resident Evil 4. Retarted to the extreme. Read at your own risk, it may make your dookey twinkle. I recently updated, so anyone who remembers this story from about 2 years back. Check out my new chapter!
1. Chapter 1

**Retard Evil 4: Partners in Idiocy**

This is my dumb little parody of Resident Evil 4, except Leon has a partner and Ashley has a sister, will she be half as whiny as Ashley, will she be helpless, who knows? Me of course! But you'll have to read and find out.

Disclaimer: Yes I own Resident Evil and all of its affiliates….NOT! Just kidding. But really Capcom, don't take it seriously.

Leon: 1998…I'll never forget it. It was the year I caught crabs from that Indonesian hooker, it was also the year that everyone reenacted Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video. But people actually died—

Rick: Shut up! You've been saying that since I hit the start button.

Leon: Oh sorry. (the car sped down the road)

Rick: Hey! The car's speeding down the road you know! (the driver slows down)

Leon: Thanks.

Policia1: Scary ass Americans.

Leon: What?

Policia1: Nothing.

Rick: You called us (mimics Policia1's voice) "scary ass Americans" didn't you?

Policia2: So what if he did?

Leon: (kicks Policia2 in the face) Shut up, who are you calling scary?

Policia1: You!

Rick: You got balls kid.

Policia1: You should know.

Rick: (shoots Policia1's balls off) Balls aren't so big now.

(Leon and Rick get out and walk towards some ugly house)

Rick: Evil house…evil birds….evil truck…are you sure these guys don't work for Hello Kitty?

Leon: Don't say that, I'm a HelloKittyphob.

(they enter the house without knocking and see some dude with a giant blunt in the fireplace)

Rick: Let me hit it! (guy drops his pants and wiggles his butt at Leon and Rick)

Both: Gross!

Leon: (pulls something out of his pocket) Have you ever seen these two before?

(the guy looks, then backs up and grabs an axe and swings at Leon, but Rick shoots him first)

Leon: Damn! I accidentally pulled out green cards.

Rick: Why do you have Greencards?

Leon: They're playing cards that are green.

(the guy stands up and runs at Leon and Rick)

Leon: MOOORRRTALLLLL KOOOMMMBAATTTTT!

(Mortal Kombat music blasts through stereo and a long, drawn out battle occurs in which Leon kicks so much ass he ends up in some shack with a wardrobe shaking)

Rick: You didn't have to hit me! (rubs head)

Leon: Or myself…god that hurt!

(they hear knocking)

Rick: Who is it?

Mumble voice: Mumble mumble

Leon: Who?

Mumbled voice: Mumble!

(The wardrobe starts shaking)

Rick: Hey that wardrobe started shaking.

Leon: No shit!

Rick: No, I didn't see any.

Leon: What…never mind.

(they approach the shaking wardrobe in which someone clearly needs help)

Rick: Hello…do you need help?

Leon: Shut it.

Rick: Touch it.

Leon: No, you touch it.

Rick: Hell no! YOU touch it!

(pokes Rick) Fuck that! Stop being a candy ass and touch it!

Rick: Dammit. If I die, I'll kill you.

Leon: How if you're already dead?

Rick: Fuck you!

Leon: Fuck you!

(Rick finally touches it and it falls apart, some dude falls on the floor, duct taped and gagged)

Leon: Damn! These Oreo Cookies are pretty well-jammed!

Rick : They have jam on them! I want some!

Leon: No, there is no jelly in sight, I meant they're stuck here pretty good.

Rick: Oh, well I meant toe jam.

Leon: What about Earl? (Leon takes out the last Oreo; the Spaniard stands up)

Spaniard: Dammit! I bet my buddy that I could eat 50 Oreo cookies while tied up before you got here!

Rick: And he stuffed you in there?

Spaniard: I went in myself.

Leon: Why?

Spaniard: This wardrobe leads to another world.

Rick: No way!

Spaniard: Way.

Leon: Show us.

Spaniard: Follow me! (he jumps in the wardrobe) OW! Fuck, my head!

Rick: Sorry, I broke it, told ya he was lying.

Spaniard: Broken? Oh no, (cries) NARNIA!

(a giant piece of swiss cheese falls into the room)

Spaniard: Great…the big cheese.

Leon: Cheese?

Rick: Cheese! (jumps at cheese but a blunt hits him on the head) Oh, WEED!

Mendez View 

Mendez walked into the room where he heard the Americans only to find it full of so much smoke he couldn't see. So he grabbed Sam Fisher and stole his goggles. Then he saw three people smoking weed.

Regular View 

Spaniard: And then she said, "No, not in the ear!" AHHAHAHAAA!

Leon: I was gonna eat yo' pussy too, but I was high…now I'm jacking off, and I know whyy! Cause I got high, because I got high, because I got higgghhh! Ladadadadadada!

Spaniard: Oh great, the bigger cheese.

(Leon stood up and ran to roundhouse kick the tall dude, but since he was high like sky divers he ended up kicking him in the shin like a 7 year old girl)

Mendez: ….

Leon: ….

Rick: …..

Spaniard: …..

Two villagers: Huh?

Leon: …that didn't hurt?

Mendez: No, not really.

Leon: Oh, okay. Well now what?

Mendez: I could throw you into Mr. Sera and knock you unconscious, after which you would receive and intoxicating power?

Leon: Intoxicating?

Rick: Sounds fun!

(Mendez lobs Leon at Mr. Sera and Rick, they collide)

Leon: Damn it! That didn't work! (Luis falls out)

Mendez: Oh, well lets try this again.

Leon: But be gentle.

Mendez: Oh, I'll be VERY gentle. (he grabs Leon by the ass and repeatedly rams his head into Luis' nuts)

Leon: AGGHHH! Stop! Yuck! This is….queer!

(Luis gets hard in his sleep)

Leon: Stop! Ewwww, its hard! Noooooo!

(Mendez rams Leon's head into Luis' rock hard dick and knocks him out)

**20 minutes later**

(Leon wakes up in a little building, tied to Luis and Rick)

Leon: Hey, wake up.

Rick: Oh, you're finally awake?

Leon: What? How long have you been up, and why didn't you wake me up?

Rick: I was never sleep, I escaped and followed them here.

Leon: Then why are you tied up too?

Rick: Oh that's easy, I wanted you to think I got knocked out too but I just…kinda , told you that huh?

Leon: …..You asshole!

Now has a name: Shit shit shit…crawl out—

Rick: Crawl out of one hole, and into another eh?

Luis: What I was going to say that, how'd you know?

Rick ESPN….

Leon: (WTF face)….

Luis: (WTF face) ……

Rick: ….is a great show?

(some evil dude with a huge axe walks in)

Luis: AXE!

Leon: Ass?

Luis: No, axe!

Rick: Ash?

Luis: Axe!

Leon: (looks up)…oh, he said "axe", must be that Spanish accent.

(the three scream and scare the axe dude, making him trip and fall on the axe, Leon and Luis slowly stop screaming)

Leon:….

Luis: …..

Rick: AGGGHHHH!

Leon: ….

Luis: (laughing softly)

Rick: AGGGHHHH!

Leon: ….what?

Rick: There's an ant in my pants! And we're still tied together! AGGGHHH!

(Another axe dude walks in, they scream again, making this dude trip over the other guy's body and cut the ropes, the guy falls on the axe. Leon stops screaming)

Luis: AGGGHHH!

Rick: AGGHHHH!

Leon: Now what?

Luis and Rick: We got ants in our pants! AGGHHH!

(Leon picks up some random flamethrower and aims for their pants)

Leon: Let me help!

Rick: AGGHHHH! (dodges flames)

Luis: Holy shit! (runs away)

(the flame thrower magically disappears and someone puts their face in the window)

Rick: Leon, wait it appears that someone has put their face in the window.

(Leon shoots at the face but a honey bun flies in front of the bullet)

Merchant: Holy shit, stranglers.

Leon: Stranglers? I'll strangle you.

(they walk out and meet the merchant, he opens his jacket)

Merchant: I got these cheeseburgers man!

Rick: Got any guns?

Merchant: Got some rare things on sale strangler.

Leon: These don't look too rare, just some upgrades, got anything better?

Merchant: (thinking)….got some rare things on sale strangler.

Rick: Gimme a TMP.

Merchant: What are you buying?

Rick: A TMP.

Merchant: What are you buying?

Rick: A TMP

Merchant: What are you buying?

Rick: A fuck—ing TMP!

Merchant: Wise choice mate, but not only will you need cash, but you'll need guts to buy that weapon.

Leon: Just give him the TMP.

Merchant:…(thinking)….Got a selection of good things on sale strangler.

Rick: Can you only say a few things?

Merchant: (thinking what to say for profit)……

Leon: …..um

Rick: ……uh

Trees: ….. chisssshhhhhh…

Silent Bob: …..

Merchant: …….( he's got it!) What are you buying?

Leon: Shut up.

Merchant: What are you selling?

Rick: TMP! TMP! T-M-P!

Merchant: Heheheheh…thank you.

(Rick shoots him in the foot, he dies apparently)

Rick: What, he laughs like I just took a bad deal or something.

(They walk through some double doors and find their way to some lake, after getting hit by a speeding boulder)

Rick: I told you it was a 50 mph zone.

Leon: Shut it.

Rick: Where's your hot sister and the monster?

Leon: What?

Rick: Sorry, I watched too much Fantastic 4 last night.

(They walk into a boat and speed off, then they get attacked by some damn lake monster)

Rick: Hate to say it but we're sandwiched all right.

Leon: Don't you mean we're in deep shit!

Rick: Well to make amends, hate to say it but we'd better get shovels.

Leon: Why?

Rick: Cause we're in some deep shit.

End of chapter 1, now I may put up more chapters if I get positive reviews. I hope you liked it. Peace.


	2. I can still see you

Disclaimer: I still don't own jack-poodely squat besides my soul, and the souls of those who read my stories. DADADAAAA!

Resident Retarted 4 Chappie number Dos : I can still see you

(Leon and Rick get attacked by a big ass giant lake bastard)

Rick: AGHHH! A big ass giant lake bastard!

(they start lobbing spears at it, it doesn't work)

Leon: Damn! I keep missing. Me and my crappy aim.

(They ride over to the merchant's water hideout and knock on the gate)

Gate: Knock knock.

Merchant: Who's there?

Rick: Say hello to my little friend.

Merchant: Say hello to my little friend who?

(the merchant opens the gate)

Rick: Say hello to my little friend big ass lake bastard!

(the big ass lake bastard chases the merchant)

Leon: That was easy.

(they get ashore and both feel a pain in their chests)

Leon: Ughh!

Rick: Agh! Oh my god! I'm having a heart attack! Aghhh!

Leon: Ugh!

(they both pass out)

3 Seconds later

(Leon and Rick wake up)

Rick: Why is it night time?

Leon: Who says "Night time" anymore?

Rick: Apparently you do.

Leon: Ugh!

Rick: What now man? (Leon holds his chest, his veins start turning black)

Leon: Ugh!

Rick: Ew. That doesn't look too good, you should see a doctor.

Leon: Ugh!

(the camera hits Leon in the eyeball, knocking him out)

6 Seconds later

(Leon half way wakes up)

Leon: Mmmm…just like that. Yeah Ada, like that. Oh the president's daughter, aw the president's daughter! Oh Stifler's Mom!

(He wakes up fully and looks at Rick licking his face)

Leon:….

Rick:….

Leon:…

God:….

Leon: EW! Yuck! Gross! Why'd you do that? (spits on the floor)

Rick: You've been out for like 6 seconds, I thought that if I did something gay you'd wake up.

Leon: Some gay--

(Leon's communicator thingy goes off and scares the crap out of him)

Leon: AGGHH! Who are you? (he sees Hunnigan) Why hello dear. How do you do today?

Hunnigan: I HATE MEN!

(hangs up)

Leon:…

Rick: (WTF face) WTF?

Leon: I dunno.

Rick: Nature will get you for messing with that poor woman.

Leon: Bump nature.

Rick: I warned you.

Leon: Oh shit.

Rick: What now?

Leon: Nature's calling.

Nature: Leon. Come to me. Come towards the light.

Leon: Nooo!

Rick: Who was that?

Leon: Ugh! I gotta take a shit.

(Leon shits and then whips a whole ton of ass, they stop at what is clearly a battle arena)

Rick: I hope this isn't a battle arena.

(the gates close)

Rick: Damn! The gates closed.

Leon: No shit Sherlock.

(some dudes drag out some ogre from the Lord of the Rings movies)

Rick: You are one ugly motherfucker.

(The ogre dude, starts slapping around the Spaniards, all the wooshing wind effects blow Leon and Rick into the next area)

Leon: Well that was unexpected.

(they walk up to a church and see some evil looking dogs)

Rick: Leon, stop. Those dogs look really evil.

Leon: (whispers) We gotta sneak past em', be very quiet.

(they start pulling off stealthy ninja moves and sneaking past the dogs until…)

Communicator thingy: BLEEEPP BLARGHHH FFOOOOWWWWHAAAAHH!

Hunnigan: AGGGHHHH! I HATE MEN! AGGGHHH! I'M A LESBIAN—YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT! AGGGHHHHH!

(hangs up)

Leon: Dammit!

( they start running in tiny circles while the dogs chase after their own tails, some random car falls from the sky and starts playing "Can't touch this" by MC Hammer)

Leon: AGGGHHH!

Rick: Aggghhhh!

(they get in the church somehow and see a ladder)

Rick: Hey a ladder.

Leon: Duh.

(they climb up the ladder)

Rick: Okay, we've climbed up the ladder, what now?

Leon: Shut up!

(they spot a little puzzle thingy in which you clearly have to pull levers and stuff)

Leon: Shit.

Rick: What?

Leon: A light puzzle, I'm color blind. Shit.

Rick: Shit.

Leon: Shit.

Rick: Shit.

Leon: Shit.

Rick: Shit.

Leon: Shit.

Rick: Shit.

10 minutes later

Rick: Now what? I guess we have to pull levers and stuff on this puzzle thingy.

Leon: Why do you have to state the obvious?

Rick: I don't always state the obvious!

Leon: Yes you do you obvious stater!

Rick: Zombie fanatic!

Leon: I am not a zombie fanatic!

( they starts pulling random levers until it works right)

Rick: Hey, its working right.

Leon: Shut-up!

(they walk into a little room and Leon spots a piece of wood flying at his face)

Leon: Whoa!

Rick: What? (smack!) Ow. (falls over)

Ashley: No, don't come.

Leon: Fine, I won't (he stops jacking off), my name's Leon. I've been sent by the president to rescue you and your sister.

Ashley: What, my father?

Leon: Duh. Who'd you think the president of Namco?

Ashley: Listen mister—

Jasmine: Ashley, now's not the time for you to be whining. Who's this guy on the floor screaming obscenities about us and our ancestors?

Rick: Goddamn pancake flipping whore—eh? (he sees some bombshell chick in a red one piece miniskirt and black high heels.)

Rick: Why hello. What's your name.

Jasmine: Jasmine. What's your name?

Rick: Rick. You know, if you were a booger, I'd pick you.

Jasmine: I'm flattered, how cute. I like you.

Rick: I like you too. You're hot.

Leon: We gotta go.

Rick: Cock blocker.

Leon: Shut up!

(they go out and Leon and Rick hop down the ladder, Rick stares up Jasmine's skirt when she climbs down)

Jasmine: Rick?

Rick: Huh?

Jasmine: Were you just looking up my skirt?

Rick: Umm, well not exactly. See what had happened was—I was trying to make sure you didn't have any concealed weapons.

Jasmine: Concealed weapons eh? Wanna check twice?

Rick: Indeed I do.

Ashley: Get your hands off me!

(Ashley slaps Leon hard!)

Leon: I was just grabbing your arm so we could get moving!

Ashley: I don't care! Who said you could touch me?

Leon: What the--! I'm supposed to protect you remember?

Saddler: I'll take the girl.

Rick: Which one?

Saddler: The president's daughter.

Rick:…which one?

Leon: Who are you?

Saddler: I am Osmund Saddler, the—

Rick and Jasmine: (laughing loud) Osmund!

Leon: Alright Almond Bunch, what do you want.

Rick: He wants the girl Leon, the girl. Sometimes I wonder.

Leon: Sounds more like an alien invasion to me!

Rick: Invasion? Call the border patrol!

Ashley: (runs around in tiny circles) They're among us!

Leon: Faith and money will get you nowhere Saddler.

Saddler:….

Leon: Shut up.

Saddler: I didn't say anything.

Leon: Well I really don't give a damn…rain or shine you're going down.

Saddler: Pardon me kind sir, but you don't—

Leon: You should find this lockpick useful, you the master of unlocking.

Saddler: What are you talking about? Puny human—

Leon: You complete me.

Saddler: You are really starting to freak me out.

Leon: You had me at hello!

All but Leon: Wha--?

Leon: Your right hand comes off?

Saddler: Enough! Die Mr. Bond!

(Dudes come out of their extremely well hidden, hiding spots)

Leon: (tear in eyes)…For Frodo. (jumps through a window) Agghhh!

( Rick and the girls jump through too)

Ashley: Ow! I broke a nail!

Jasmine: Stop being so prissy!

Saddler: I can still see you.

Rick: Shit! Run!

I hope you liked this chapter. Peace!


	3. Rockstars Forever!

Disclaimer: I still own al of Capcom's shit. Ya'll need to drop by and get your plans for RE5 off of my cereal box. Sike!!! I lied. I don't own anything, not even a food stamp.

Retarded Evil: Chappie Numero Tres

Rock stars till' the end

(Leon, Rick, Jasmine, and that damned Ashley ran out of the little hut thingy and came face to face with the most horrid, disgusting, gross-out, make you shit your pants sight ever…13 Ganado's….it was really that sick. And the worst thing, they had torches and shit.)

Leon: Great.

Rick: Awesome. They have torches and shit.

Ashley: Do you always state the obvious?

Rick: Not always, but usually…yes. I do state the obvious a lot.

Jasmine: I think it's cool.

Rick: Why thank you—(smack!!!) OW!WTF!!??

(Rick takes the axe out of his face and lobs it at a Ganado, who catches it, Leon starts blasting people)

Ashley: AGGGHHHH!!!!

Jasmine: Quick, pass me a gun!

Leon: Can you use one?

Jasmine: I'm alright with a gun, now toss it!

(Leon tosses her the Punisher)

Total Pwnage 

Leon:….

Rick:…..

Jasmine:….

Ashley: AGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

Leon:…..

Rick:…..

Jasmine:……

Ashley: AGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

Leon:….

Rick:…..

Jasmine:…..

Ashley: AGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

Leon: Hey, retard. You can stop screaming now.

(they pwn people until they get to a big ass cabin)

Merchant: Welcome!

Rick: What are you selling?

Merchant: What are you buying?

Rick: ….I asked you first.

Merchant: What are you buying?

Rick: What are you selling?

Merchant: What are **you** selling?

Rick: I'm buying.

Merchant: **What **are you buying?

Rick: Give me a Red9.

Merchant: Not enough cash, strangler.

Rick: Can I write you a check?

Merchant: No, strangler.

Rick: Well can I trade you this Handgun?

Merchant: Heheheheh…thank you.

Rick: Now gimme the Red9.

Merchant: Not for sale, strangler.

Rick: How bout I just take it then?

(takes it)

Merchant: Heheheheh….fuck!

(they walk towards creepy cabin)

Radio: SCRREEECCCCHH! BLEEEP BLOOP!

Leon: Yo, radio. Why don't you just tell every bad guy we're here?

Radio: THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE! HERE THEY ARE!!!

(ganados surround them, they kick in the door of a cabin)

Luis: Long time no—OW!!(falls out)

Jasmine: Shit!

Leon: Fuck!

Rick: Goddamn it! **KUSO!!!!**

Ashley: **AGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!**

Trees:…..

Crickets:…..

Bushes:……

Leon's gun:…..

Jesus Christ:…..

HYDE:……

Gackt:….MoonChild.

HYDE:….MOOOOOONNNNCHHHIIIILLLLLLDDDD!!!!

(they start singing and they are so awesome that the ganados just blow up)

Total roxage 


	4. My Apologies People

1MY APOLOGIES

Sorry guys and gals, but I'm having a "funny block". Can't secure my funniness. For serious, I'm being way too goofy in school and can't think up any jokes. Sorry. But it'll be back soon. For serious.


	5. Update in a few days! Sorry!

-1Okay everybody. Sorry for not updating at all in like a year. Please forgive me, I promise that in the next few days I'll have something up. I'm working on it. I've just been so busy with work and school and leisure time that I haven't had time to do any writing.


	6. A Dark Twist for a Strong Comeback

Disclaimer: Even after two fucking years I STILL don't own fuckin jack shit!!!! FUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!

My Apologies: I'm sorry for the wait people. It's been a very long time hasn't it? Yeah, that's my bad! Where've I been? IDFK! But i'm back now! I hope I still got it! Enjoy! Much love! BTW, there may be a dark twist that you may not see coming! Tell me what you think!

Retarted Evil 4: Sorry for the Wait

(Yes indeed HYDE and Gackt saved their puny fucking lives!)

HYDE: Well, that was that! Hakuna matata bitches!!!( disappears into a cloud of awesome smoke from his fuckin awesomeness!)

Gackt:......FUCK YOU!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!( goes poof)

Leon:......

Jasmine:.........

Ashley:........

Rick: .....Did he just go poof?

Leon: Yes. He did.

Luis: Indeed, he did!

Leon: I just said that you know.

Luis: Yes, you did.

Rick: Didn't Leon hit you with the door?

Luis: Yes, he did.

Jasmine: And weren't you knocked out?

Luis: Yes, I did.

Ashley: You know you just said--

Leon: SHUT DA FUCK UP!!!! It doesn't matter! Luis, how do we get outta here?

Luis: Out of this cabin or out of this area?

Rick: Is that a serious question?

Luis: .....Maybe

Rick: (screws face up ending up looking like Cartman when hes pissed)

Leon: HOw do we get out of this area, smart-ass?

Luis: ......Well, you can either go through huge ass gate number 1, or huge ass gate number 2.

Jasmine: Whats behind huge ass gate number 1?

Luis: (puts on spook a nigga face).....Certain doom. (all is quiet.....)

Leon: .....

Ashley: .....

Jasmine: .........

Rick: And what's behind huge ass gate number 2?

Luis: ( once again puts on the omnipotent spook a nigga face)..........

Leon:.........

Rick: ........

Luis: .......Certain doom.

Leon: For cryin' out loud!!! Be a little specific you tight jeans n vest wearing dick-munch!!!

Luis: Fuck you who cut your hair! Somebody who can't!?

Rick: .........

Leon: ...........

Jasmine: ..............

Saddler: ........... I did!

Leon: What!? No you didn't! And where the hell did you even come from!?

Rick: Yeah! What's wrong with you popping up like that!? ( taking a cue from Leon he spouts witty one-liner) You want some milk or something?!

(Room-wide WTF face)

Leon: Rick, what the hell is wrong with you? Have you lost it?

Luis: What the ability to crack a good one?

Rick: You're one to talk you damned cream puff!

Saddler: OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!! I LOVE MILKY CREAM PIES!!!

Leon: You really creep me out dude!!!

Rick: That's just fucking sick!

Luis: You should see what's he's got under the robe.....

Saddler: Uhhhh......(poof!)

Leon: You know what!?

Rick: What!?

Leon: RHITORICAL!!!! BUT I'M SICK OF PEOPLE GOING FUCKING POOF IN MY NEAR PROXIMITY!!!!!

Rick: ..... Did you know that using medium sized words in the wrong context while your trying to appear angry only makes you look like an idiot?

Leon: FUCK YOU YOU DAMNED PROCRASTINATOR!!!!

Rick: Flaucinaucinihilipilification!!!!!

Leon: What!?

Rick: I dunno.... I like honey mustard!

Ashley: ME TOO---

All: SHADDUP!!!!!!!!

Leon: Why do you always feel the need to talk Ashley?

Luis: You should just not speak at all Ashley!

Jasmine: Just be quiet Ashley!

Rick: Go hold your breath underwater for 30 minutes and see what happens or something Ashley!

Ashley: You guys suck!!! ( starts crying and runs out the door)

Rick: ( chases after her) Ashley wait!

Ashley: ( tears in eyes) WHY SO YOU CAN TELL ME TO GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE!!!?????

(Leon and Jasmine run out too, catching up just as Rick stops Ashley)

Rick: No, why would I want you to jump off a bridge! Are you nuts!? I just wanted to say that......

Ashley: ( stops crying, and smiles at him hopefully) To say what?

Leon: (whispers) Come on champ, tell her.....

Rick: To say that I'd much rather you go fist-fight one of those GIANT ACID SPITTING BUG FUCKERS!!!!! HAHAHAAHAAAAAA!!!!!

Leon: HAHAHAHAAAA!!! THAT'S FUCKING GENUIS MAN!!!! WHOOOOO!!!! YOU'RE INCREDIBLE!!!!!

Rick: WATCH YOUR FLESH BOIL AND BURN OFF OF YO FACE BITCH!!!! HEHEHEHEAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!

Ashley: You're an asshole!!!( starts crying again and runs through the left gate)

Jasmine: ASHLEY WAIT!!!! (runs after her)

Leon: Oh shit! ( runs after them)

Rick: What, it was funny!!!

Leon: Yeah but we can't lose track of them!!!

Rick: Oh yeah, duh! I need that paycheck! ( follows suit)

( Leon and Rick go through the huge ass wooden gate and see Jasmine sitting down beside a crying Ashley, talking)

Rick: Hey Ashley! Hi!!!!!! (cue bright smile)

Ashley: FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!

Rick: (looks at leon) Hm, I think she's upset about something....

Leon: Are you retarted literally or do you just pretend to be to get attenti-----(BAAAAAMMMMMMM!!!!!)

A-fucking-nother one of those Lord of the Rings trolls pops out of nowhere!!!!

Rick: Aggghh!!!! Another fuckin Tolkien troll popped out of nowhere!!!

Leon: (already shooting the bastard) NO FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!

Jasmine and Ashley are running away from it when suddenly:

**ACTION TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Leon unloads clip after clip into the hulking beast before him, to no effect other than slowing it down. The beast, which was moving rather slowly before, suddenly bolts straight for Rick and extends both arms while Rick and Leon insert round after round into it's cranium. Just as the beast swings both its boulder-sized hands towards Rick in an attempt to clap and smash him between them, he realizes what the mighty beast intends to do. At just the right moment he leaps into the path of one of the creature's hands and kicks off of it into the other, he hears someone yell his name but can't make out who it was. Just before the beast can crush him between the force of its hands that are like stone walls rapidly closing in, Rick runs up the beast's ring finger to the middle-finger and kicks off again, back flipping out of harm's reach! There was a deafening thud which sounded more like an explosion as the beast's hands met with enough force to crush a bus! Rick, still sailing through the air, pulled both his pistols out and fired as many rounds as possible into the beast's face as possible before coming to a rest on its shoulder! Leon could see Ashley and Jasmine....they were safe.

But even more remarkable was that Rick was now on the beast's back, somehow dodging death but boy was he glad! Leon pulled his shotgun and ran towards the wild creature, frantically trying to seize Rick from its back. Leon fired two rounds into the beast's knees from point-blank range while it was distracted with Rick, successfully bringing it down to one knee. Jasmine and Ashley watch on, silently cheering for Leon and Rick as they were now both on the creature's back, firing shots into the back of its head. As they watched this amazing spectacle, an opening appeared on the creature's back and out of it came the most twisted, and horrid sight either of the two had ever seen! Some kind of growth protruded from it, but this growth was alive, slimy, and moving any which way! Jasmine ended up vomiting, but Ashley couldn't take her eyes off her heroes, spell-bound by their bravery and their dedication. Even though they were on the winning end, they were risking their lives at this very moment just to make sure she and her sister got home safe. They had put their guns away and were now taking turns slicing into the growth on the creature's back! They were covered with blood and slime. But that didn't stop them, they cut until the protrusion fell to the ground with a loud, ground shaking thud! And with it, the creature itself fell harder. With the beast defeated, and Rick and Leon exchanging their own brand of witty one-liners Ashley ran out from her hiding spot towards the dynamic duo.

" Where'd you get the balls to jump on some big ugly motherfuckas back Leon!" Rick exclaims as he holsters his knife back onto his side. " Well all I can say is--", Leon was cut off by Ashley as she called for the two of them. They looked up, but too late. Within an instant where Ashley had been standing was crushed under the foot of yet another Tolkien troll!


End file.
